ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES

Episode #180 · Written by Robert Sheckley · Narrated by Scott Miller

Ralph Garvey thinks he’s found the perfect illicit thrill—a forbidden synthetic companion smuggled off-world. But when he activates the crate far from Earth, he discovers he’s unleashed something far stronger, far stranger, and far more determined than he ever imagined.

Ralph Garvey thinks he’s planned the perfect escapade: slip past Customs, blast off in his private space yacht, and enjoy a forbidden synthetic companion far from the puritanical reach of Earth’s Sexual Morality Act. But fate—and bad timing—intervene when a surprise inspection nearly exposes the giant crate he’s smuggled aboard. Once Garvey reaches deep space and activates the surrogate, his relief turns to terror. Instead of an Earth-standard model, he’s purchased an Algolian surrogate—an android designed for a heavier world, a richer atmosphere, and a species with strength far beyond human norms. Her beauty is breathtaking, but her affectionate instincts are overpowering… and potentially lethal.

What unfolds is classic Sheckley: a fast, funny, nerve-twisting chain of misunderstandings and escalating danger. Garvey soon finds himself trapped inside his ship with a companion who sees him as the perfect mate—and is strong enough to crush him without meaning to. Sheckley turns a simple premise into a frantic battle of wits, desperation, and survival, all while skewering human vanity, desire, and the dream of a “perfect” substitute for real connection.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Robert Sheckley (1928–2005) stands tall among the great humorists of science fiction. Rising to prominence in the 1950s, he became celebrated for his razor-sharp wit, ironic storytelling, and ability to mix satire with interstellar adventure. His stories appeared in Galaxy, Astounding, If, F&SF, and nearly every major magazine of the era. Sheckley’s fiction embraces the absurdity of human behavior—greed, lust, ambition, cowardice—and magnifies it through imaginative worlds and clever twists.

Throughout his career, Sheckley wrote hundreds of short stories, numerous novels, and several screen adaptations. He influenced writers such as Douglas Adams, John Sladek, and many modern voices who admired his balance of fun and insight. Whether he was poking fun at bureaucracy, questioning the ethics of technology, or crafting wild off-world misadventures, Sheckley brought energy and originality to every page. “Accept No Substitutes” is a prime example of his ability to make readers laugh, gasp, and reflect all at once—a timeless reminder that some desires are better left un-automated.

LISTEN TO THE STORY

Listen to this vintage science fiction classic Accept No Substitutes by Robert Sheckley — as a smuggler unleashes a dangerously powerful surrogate in deep space with unexpected and chaotic results.

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